Thursday, January 26, 2017

A Mother's Love

I was recently reminded about this blog by a friend. I had a distant memory of it. I am almost 30. I am getting older, did I even remember the website? Was it lost in the world wide web? I started searching and here it is. As I read through the posts the cobwebs started to clear. All these memories started flooding back. See this blog started when a I was going through a huge life change. I was getting healthy and happy. I was living in CT. When I left CT back home to PA I left it behind. I think I left a part of my soul behind too. I am happy where I am now, but I will never forget the amazing things I did while living in CT. I found my inner and outer strength that I never knew existed.

Life sure has changed. If you would have asked me back then what I would be doing 4 years later, I don't know what I would have said. I guess that's life though. You can never predict the future. You can only live in the present and appreciate the memories and lessons you learned in the past.

When I got married a friend of the family told me to never stop writing. I should have listened. Writing this blog was such a release, it made me happy. It helped me cope with all the changes in life.

I have been so consumed with life lately. It's not a bad thing, contrary I have had a fantastic reason to be consumed. On September 13, 2014 I completed my most amazing feat of strength. Rivaling anything I ever did in CT. At 2:05 am I gave birth to the most perfect baby in the entire world. Lucas Ryan Sandly was not planned. He was a big ol' oops. I didn't want children yet, I had a 10 year plan. Well, God has different plans.

The first year was the hardest. 12 weeks of maternity leave isn't enough. Breastfeeding is hard. You don't think you just do. When he turned a year I thought, wow... I'm finally getting a handle on this. Nope, guess what...The time between his first and second birthday is a blur. Just like Dory in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

My son is now 2 years old. With his new found language and independence I have been able to step back and reevaluate my life. I stepped on a scale for the first time in years and had a panic attack. How did I let myself go? I had worked so hard....I felt like a failure. Well, if I learned anything in CT it is that when the going gets tough, buck up. Move heavy shit. Do something.

Well, that's easier said than done. I won't list my excuses. I promise you I have tons. I am finally remembering a huge part of the puzzle. It's not all about losing weight, or exercising, or eating right. You have to do what makes you happy. I've lost myself while giving all of me to my son. I don't think it's a problem. I think it's a part of life. A quote from the Giving Tree by Shell Silverstein comes to mind "... and she loved a boy very, very much-- even more than she loved herself."

I am finally at a point in my life that I am able to start writing again. I need to, it's been too long. I love being a mother. I love my son. I am ready to start loving myself again as much as I love my son.

I lay here propped up on a pillow with him on my chest. I had just drawn a bath and poured a glass of wine when he woke up crying. Nothing soothed him. I'm OK that the bath water is cold,  and my wine can go in the fridge. I know he won't be this little for long. I will blink and he will be in school. Moments like these give me time to reflect. Today I decided I'm ready. I'm ready to write again. I love my son with all of my heart, but I'm no good to him if I don't love myself. 


Cheers to you all for reading. Thank you for sharing this moment with me. I'll get to my wine tomorrow.